What’s the point of all this craziness?

Last time I saw my therapist, she asked me very interesting questions, such as: “what’s the point of loosing all this weight?”, “what’s your reward for weighting so little?”, “does it make you feel better about yourself?” etc. The more I think about it, the less I can find a reason to all this suffering. No, it doesn’t make me feel better about myself because, no matter how much weight I lose, it’s never, ever enough. Having an eating disorder is like being best friends with the devil — and he never shuts up. Ever.

The lowest I got was 42.8kg (94.3 pounds), and I look at myself in the mirror and saw a big, obese person — regardless of the numbers or my clothes barely fitting me anymore. Having a mental illness is the most exhausting thing in the world, because you always have a war in your mind.

So why be like this? Why be like me? I know we can’t choose not to think about certain things, but we do have the power to shut up some thoughts, before it’s too late. I’ve been photographing so many beautiful girls after I started my project “La Peau Sauvage” and I wish they all knew how amazing they look. Hopefully, I’ll help them see how stunning they are, regardless of their weight and body type. I’ll make this my life mission, if necessary. I know how much I suffer every day, and I don’t want anyone else to feel this way.

Back to my therapist’s question: what’s the goal, what’s the reward? I don’t know anymore, because I’m lost — I can’t find my way back. But YOU can! And I’m here to help all of you. You can send me messages here, we can chat in private by email and, if you live in Montreal, we can definitely schedule a photoshoot.

Here’s where you can find me:

Don’t feel shy to reach out. Our conversations will be completely private.

Lots of love to all of you!

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Things left unsaid

Stomach twitching, sweat and adrenaline rush. Basic symptoms we feel when we want to say something, but can’t. When we’re so close, yet so far. Morality is a pain sometimes. This is why we have songs, movies, books and blogs – to find some kind of relief. The best artists are the ones who created something from the things they’ve left unsaid. Desire, anger, disappointment, passion, heartbreak, platonic love, etc. These are the best unsaid feelings one could have in order to create something beautiful, something that will touch the hearts of thousands of people. My question is, why do we leave so many things unsaid? Morality is one of the reasons, but what else? Why do I keep all of this to myself? Why do we say “hi!” when we want to say “I’m crazy for you!”? Why do we smile when we want to cry? Why do we say goodbye to someone we want to stay? And why, oh why, do we have to deprive ourselves from happiness just to make other people happy? Morality and commitment, perhaps. I guess I will have to add this to the pile of unanswered questions about all the unsaid things.