I don’t own myself anymore. No one can see it, but I have chains all over my body; it’s no longer mine. I’m looking everywhere, searching on every corner, but I can’t find it — I’m lost. Lost. They got inside and stole everything: my tenacity, my freedom, my heart; even my (in)sanity. Now it’s empty, it’s all gone. Each and every part of me belongs to someone else — someone else but me. I became a broken machine, like a printer out of ink. Yes, a printer out of ink. They used me to print their papers, without any appreciation, and now there’s no more ink. I can’t print anything anymore. What saddens me the most is that I printed all their papers, but none of mine — mine are all blank. I wished someone would say, “it’s not broken, it’s just out of ink,” but I guess it’s easier to say I’m broken. Well, maybe I am. Maybe it’s impossible to fix me after so much damage. I can’t function anymore.
This is for you who thinks you’re not worth it — but you are. Here’s to all of your blank nights, blank days and blank souls. Cheers! Let’s drink to all your sadness. All your lonely days, and your lonely nights. Let’s drink to all your misery; let’s drink to all our misery — all at once, all at the same time. Every time you think you’re alone, you’re not. I’m here with you, we’re here with you. Embrace the sadness, embrace the dark. There’s no light, there’s no happy ending. It’s just you and me; it’s just you and the rest of the world. Everybody is sad, there’s always something missing. Happiness is just around the corner, but you keep reminding me of what sadness feels like.
Have you ever felt as if you were empty inside? No more agony, no more feelings. Nothing. Have you ever felt this way? Or as if there was someone screaming inside your head while you quietly sit still? Have you ever felt hopeless and out of control? What is it that make other people so happy? I’m drowning, I’m looking at you and suffocating. I’m being fed by words I never say, intrusive thoughts and fear — so much fear. My soul is restless, damaged. Maybe there is no turning back, no light in the end of the tunnel. What is the fucking point? Why is it so dark in here? Heavy breathing, dry mouth, eyes soaked with tears. Tears, fears, fears, tears. This is just insane. I am insane, I am a disease and I’m infectious. Delusional? No. Just reaching the end.
This letter was written by my best friend — a person who has not had an easy life emotionally, not until now. His honest cry out for help could change many people’s lives. Unfortunately, I know he’s not alone.
“I’m not the kind of person who likes to share my personal life and thoughts on Facebook — I know most of the time it doesn’t make any difference. Today, I realized there’s something I really feel like sharing — something I’ve been keeping to myself ever since I was younger. I would really appreciate if people read it — that’s the whole point of posting something, I guess.
Even though I have a family and friends who never let me down, I’ve been afraid for too long. I can only imagine how hard it must be when all your fears come true — when your friends leave you aside, when your parents don’t want you to live with them anymore, when someone dies or suffers some kind of violence for being gay. I also imagine how hard it must be to keep this secret in fear throughout your life. A fear that keeps you from doing almost everything — from taking chances and opportunities to be happy. People usually say, “You’re young, beautiful, wealthy and healthy. What else do you expect from life?”
In fact, “fear” might not be the right word to describe it. Maybe there’s no definition to what I feel every time someone says something absurd about my sexuality. (And about others, too.) I would never want to put a label on anyone, specially on myself. How wonderful would it be if we lived in a world without any type of prejudice? Unfortunately, we don’t. A lot of people suffer because of other people’s prejudice against homossexuality. Being gay doesn’t keep me from doing anything nowadays — but it had before. Not because I felt incapable of doing anything — nobody ever denied me a job position for being gay, for example. What kept me from doing things was the fear of people treating me differently because I’m gay. I don’t want to disrespect anyone’s opinion, but I truly believe every kind of love should be respected — both heterossexual and homossexual.
What I really meant to say was that it’s time to make a change. Some people like to pretend they are self-aware of the Universe, that they are loving and caring towards other people (the poor, the sick and the hopeless) and animals. These are the same people who are completely blind when it comes to helping a person who is suffering prejudice right in front of their eyes. Many people suffer every day for not being accepted and respected for being who they truly are — specially by their families and close friends. It pains me to see how many people are completely abandoned by their families for being gay. Parents are no longer parents and they’re orphans all of a sudden. Some of them commit suicide, some suffer from depression or even make abusive use of drugs because of this ignorant behaviour. Why it’s so hard to love one another? People who decide to have children should love them, not judge them so harshly.
People should think twice before making fun of homossexuality. Put yourself in their shoes. Can you imagine how hard it must be to see people making fun of who you are and who you love? Saying that Drag Queens should only go out at night or that two men (or women) cannot kiss in public is completely outrageous. How can some people say that an act of love can incite so much hate and violence? The next time you hear something like that, try to imagine how dreadful it would be if you couldn’t feel safe to go out with your wife or husband — not without fearing you could both be beaten just for being together, walking hand-in-hand. Or if you owned something you love and couldn’t wear it because of the fear of being robbed. Now try to imagine how infuriating it is not to be able to be yourself — all the time. Not being accepted at home, by your own parents. This outraging feeling is what thousands of people feel every day because they are too afraid of living their lives the way they want to. Countless people suffer in silence all the time, locked in their rooms and away from the world. Some people are incapable of developing healthy social relationships because of the fear of not being accepted. This is the main cause of both depression and suicidal thoughts.
So before saying anything superficial and inaccurate about homossexuality, try to put yourself in their shoes. Understand how hard you can make someone else’s life by being so biased. For all the gay people around the world — you are not alone. This is a fight we will fight together. If you mistreat gays and lesbians, try to imagine how you would feel if someone treated you the same way.”
Life is full of wonders and teachings. However, many people suffer from depression — emptiness and despair have taken hold of their lives. Depression is not a matter of will, nor are other mental illnesses. Therefore, people whose lives appear to be perfectly happy can also suffer from it. Depression is a lack of emotions and expecting only the worse — from everything, including ourselves. How can we change this? Psychotherapy and medication helps, but we are the only ones who can truly find a way out. How? Letting go of things that makes us sad. When I say “things”, I mean feelings, people, behaviours and thoughts — especially thoughts. Avoid feeling guilty and hopeless. That’s what I’m doing and I believe it will help me a lot. If you have dreams and never had the chance to accomplish them, don’t let it go. Chase them, do whatever it takes to make it come true. If you’re doing something that makes you feel guilty and/or uncomfortable, stop doing it. No one is obliged to do anything. A few things are mandatory but only you can choose the way you wanna live your life. You don’t have to be perfect; there’s no such thing as “perfection”. If you’re not a sociable person, then don’t be. If you enjoy eating, don’t let any diet starve you. If you don’t enjoy unhealthy foods, then don’t eat it. You don’t have to like sunny days just because everyone else does. Every person has a chance to be unique, yet everybody chooses to be the same. Don’t ever let anyone else tell you how you should live your life. Surround yourself with people who brings you peace of mind and spirit. Breathe. Life shouldn’t be a struggle. It should be… free.