What is keeping us from ourselves?

I guess it doesn’t matter how many times I tell women how beautiful they are. It doesn’t even matter showing them how amazing their bodies are, regardless of their weight. Recently, I was lucky enough to speak at a radio show with the Wise Women Canada, and I honestly thought more women would come to me — but no, they didn’t. I’m not frustrated; I’m sad. Do you know why? Because I go for a walk with my son every day at the park, and I see so clearly the difference between the women who feel confident, and the ones who don’t. I always have my flyers and my business cards with me, but I just feel like they would through it out in less than 5 minutes.

So please, talk to me. Of course my work is not for free, but that’s really not why I’m trying to reach out to you (I have a son to support, so unfortunately I can’t do it for free. But I’m pretty sure my price is the lowest you will find in Montreal.)

You know who’s the person who helps me the most? My husband, Jeremy. Even when I was pregnant and huge, he would look at me and tell me how beautiful I was. Not a day goes by without him looking at me and telling me, “damn, you’re so hot!” Yes, I’m lucky to have him. But if your husband doesn’t say that to you every day, I DO.

You’re hot, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing.

This is one of my favourite scenes, EVER. It’s from the movie “Eat, Pray, Love.” Please, watch it (it’s less than 2 minutes! Come on!).

 

That’s my message to you (and myself, obviously).

Love,

Roberta

 

A world full of “no, you don’t have what it takes to be a model”

I remember when I was a teenager, I liked a boy at school — I liked him a lot. We were always together, basically talking about the cute girls in school — he obviously didn’t consider me one of them (sometimes I wonder if he even saw me as a girl). The “cute girls” where the skinny ones, the ones who wore super short skirts and knew how to flirt. And then there was me: chubby, still playing with my toys and having no clue how to be sexy. Remember: I was 12 – 13 years old. Then, one day, it hit me like lightning: I needed to loose weight. Yes! That would make people notice me, right? Wrong. I mean, I was getting so skinny, so sick, that people were noticing me; but in the wrong way.

Time passed by and at some point I couldn’t give two shits about that boy who I used to like so much. He became nothing to me; but my disease stayed — forever.

When I got a little bit older, I started applying to model agencies; and they all said no to me. The excuse was always the same: “you’re very pretty, but we need smaller girls.” When you hear someone saying that, you feel like a huge mammoth; and your self-esteem hides in the deepest, darkest  corner of you soul.

So what did I do? I went fully anorexic. I’d feel guilty even for eating one banana a day. They got what they wanted: a smaller girl who looked great in their clothes. And there I was, working as a model, and basically dying.

I don’t want ANY of that to happen to you. Women are beautiful, sexy, charismatic, they have beautiful curves, and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid piece of shit.

That’s why I invite ALL of you to be my models! I’ll be more than happy to photograph such beauty: regardless of age, weight, height, type of hair, body type, etc.

Remember: you are ALL beautiful! You don’t need someone else telling you you can’t be a  model — because you CAN. You can fill your houses, instagrams, facebook profiles, etc with amazing pictures — and feel as pretty as those girls you see online.

I’m here to help you find your way back to beauty. 

It will be a pleasure working with you!

Being a mom with an eating disorder

It’s been 16 years since I was diagnosed with Anorexia. I have my ups and downs, obviously, but it hasn’t been easy. It’s an everyday battle, a constant war I have to fight in my head to stay alive. Before it was hard; now, it’s even harder — I have a baby.

The most difficult part of having a mental illness is how hard it is for other people to realize you’re not choosing to be like that. “You have to eat to be strong for your baby.” Yes, I know; It’s part of my battle. People say that, thinking it will help, but it only makes it worse. It makes the guilt almost unbearable. I look at him so fragile in my arms, depending on me to survive, and here I am not being able to eat. “If I died, he wouldn’t even remember me,” I tell myself every day — but it also doesn’t help.

During pregnancy I was able to eat normally; even I was proud of myself. Of course there were days when I didn’t want to have a full meal, but at least I ate. “It’s for the baby,” I told myself; and it really was. But now he’s not inside of me anymore and, unfortunately, I’m not breastfeeding — my motivation is gone. There are days when I can’t even open my mouth; it’s shut, it’s sealed.

Having an eating disorder is punishing. “Eat and fight your head. You have to be stronger than that!” If only people knew that’s the same as telling someone with cancer to fight it and let it go. (And before anyone says anything about my statement, I’m a cancer survivor. So yes, I know how cancer is like.) Trying to explain gets tiring, so you start to hide yourself from the world. Only I know how many times I’ve said things like “I already ate, thank you” or “Mmmm that looks delicious! I’ll try it next time!” Before it was bad, but now I look at my baby and feel even worse. Guilt starts building up the moment I feel good for not eating anything — now I always feel guilty, regardless if I eat or not.

Every day I wake up thinking “I won’t care about it anymore,” and every day I fail. I see people eating and I simply can’t understand the pleasure they feel. “How come they’re not ashamed?” I ask myself and envy their satisfaction (in a good, wistful way). I miss my childhood years, when I didn’t know the pain, shame and guilt I feel every time I eat. I just hope I’ll be able to fight it over and over again; I hope I’ll keep myself alive for my son and my family. I know it will never go away; the day I look at myself in the mirror and not see a fat person will never come. I’ll never look at food without getting anxious and trying to figure out how many calories I’ll be eating. It’s a curse.

I’d like to thank my husband Jeremy for always being there for me, and my family and friends for trying to help. I know it’s hard, and I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. I don’t know how to stop.

Painful heart

This is for you who thinks you’re not worth it — but you are. Here’s to all of your blank nights, blank days and blank souls. Cheers! Let’s drink to all your sadness. All your lonely days, and your lonely nights. Let’s drink to all your misery; let’s drink to all our misery — all at once, all at the same time. Every time you think you’re alone, you’re not. I’m here with you, we’re here with you. Embrace the sadness, embrace the dark. There’s no light, there’s no happy ending. It’s just you and me; it’s just you and the rest of the world. Everybody is sad, there’s always something missing. Happiness is just around the corner, but you keep reminding me of what sadness feels like.

Skydiving

I feel my heart bursting; it’s beautiful, intense and painful at the same time. Past, present and future — together, apart, all mixed up. Where have I seen these promises and dreams before? I know where my fears hide; I know every disguise, every dark corner of my broken mind. I’m scared, I’m thrilled and I’m everything in between; it’s all or nothing — a deep, silent ocean and the wind caressing the trees, or a beautiful and loud thunderstorm ripping the skies apart. Amidst all the chaos, I found a way back to myself: a path I’ve never thought I’d be able to choose, but I did. And it’s so beautiful, so perfectly right and good for me that it makes me shiver, it makes me wanna lose control. It makes me wanna jump and take a leap of faith — but what if I fall straight to the ground again? See, it’s too late, because I’m already falling. I’m in the air, my arms are wide open and so is my heart. I’m skydiving. I’m skydiving with you.

The good food army

“Don’t do this!”

“Don’t do that!”

“You’ll get fat if you eat this!”

If that’s how your brain talks to you, then it’s time to tell it to shut up; unless you enjoy being a captive of your own mind. Of course it’s not easy, I’d be a hypocrite if I said it was. But how much are we willing to sacrifice in order to achieve what seems to be unachievable and why are we trying to lose so much weight? When I say “we” I’m also referring to myself. Not so long ago I saw food as my enemy and I did everything I could to avoid it. Unfortunately, I know I’m not the only one. So how do we do to change the way we think? Most importantly, how can we start seeing something we once believed to be horrible as something good? It’s all about choices. It’s true that a lot of foods are our enemies, but not all of them.

That’s where the magic happens: when you start seeing the difference between the good food army and the enemy foods. Sounds childish, but it’s true. Think of your body as something you need to protect; something that is really strong but also an easy target to enemy attack. If you keep it empty, starved, then there will be no one there to fight for you. You will fade slowly into nothing. But if you choose to fill your body with good foods, you will change everything. You will boost your metabolism, feel healthier and have the energy to workout and live a better life. Your skin, hair and nails will get stronger and silkier; you will feel prettier, too.

Many people have Eating Disorders because they don’t know how to choose their foods and get too anxious when they start gaining weight. Then, the endless cycle begins: eat – throw up – eat again – throw up – eat less – still throw up – get disgusted by food – stop eating. Why? Because they start the cycle by choosing enemy foods. Sugar, simple carbs, bad fat. Ice cream, white bread, yellow cheese. Fast food, fried food, pizza, cake and frosting, white chocolate, candy. They might look great, smell awesome, but they’re all your enemies.

Nature is the most beautiful and incredible thing we’ll ever know. It’s so perfect, so amazing, that it gives us all the good food army. It grows from the ground, from the trees; it grows with light, with life. You don’t need a microwave to prepare your good food, I don’t even have one. You allies have the most beautiful colours: they’re red as a nice beet, yellow as a crunchy yellow pepper, orange as a tasty peach. They come as leaves, grains, vegetables and fruits. They come as nuts, too. The more you find out about them and the benefits they’ll bring to your life, the more you’ll want to have them around you. As soon as you learn that having a mashed banana with cinnamon will help your sugar cravings go away (and even help with PMS), you will see how wonderful it is to live without chocolate bars. Actually, nature is so good to us, that she allowed Cacao into the good food army. Having a square or two of dark chocolate is not only good, but it’s also important to our health. It also prevents wrinkles. (But, remember, it has to be 75% up.)

Try to visit more Farmer’s Markets, they always have the best good food army. But it’s also ok if you can’t; all you have to do is go to a Supermarket and know exactly who’s your enemy and who’s your ally. Friends don’t come in packages; avoid boxes — unless you’re buying Quinoa, Gluten Free Oats, etc. If it’s a frozen food, then it’s your enemy for sure. Look closely to everything you touch. It’s not even hard to see with your bare eyes how good or bad the food is. Give it a try! Choose an apple over a cookie. Apples are high in fiber and vitamin C; it’s also one of the healthiest foods you can eat. Besides, its natural flavour is sweet enough to handle an occasional sweet tooth. Cookies are full of flour, gluten, bad fats, artificial sugar and null calories. Always think before choosing the food you’ll allow into your body.

That’s it! Let’s change the way we think, let’s welcome the good food army and get rid of the enemy foods. Once we do that, we won’t feel the need to throw up anymore; we will feel proud of ourselves. We will want to eat nicely and never starve our bodies again. I wrote a nice article about foods to avoid, you can check it out here.

I hope this will help! 🙂

New challenges

“Life is monotonous and every day seems to be the same? Buy our 10 Steps To Happiness Manual and learn how to pull through!” I don’t know what’s more depressive; depression itself or people who think this kind of bullshit works — as if a book could actually teach one how to be happy. Unfortunately, people will always believe what they want to believe. Maybe I’m just too skeptical. What I know is no one can teach you how to be happy — no one else but yourself. At least that’s what I’d like to believe. People around you can bring joy to your days but you’re the only person who should be responsible for your own happiness. What I mean by that is never, ever rely on anyone else to be happy. If this 10 steps crap was real, I’d guess the first step would be to like and accept the person you are. Try to see yourself for what you really are and analyze the kind of person you’ve become. “What if I don’t like it?”, you may ask yourself. Well, there’s a line from a show I really love that has the perfect answer for that question. “If you can’t forgive the person you’ve become, then you can try and change who you are.” That’s it. Something to think about, huh? I’ve spent the whole day thinking about that and I’ve decided to make some changes. (Positive ones, hopefully.) Challenges. Yes, challenges! Challenge yourself to do things you know you probably wouldn’t — whatever it may be. Things will never change if we don’t change our own actions.