A world full of “no, you don’t have what it takes to be a model”

I remember when I was a teenager, I liked a boy at school — I liked him a lot. We were always together, basically talking about the cute girls in school — he obviously didn’t consider me one of them (sometimes I wonder if he even saw me as a girl). The “cute girls” where the skinny ones, the ones who wore super short skirts and knew how to flirt. And then there was me: chubby, still playing with my toys and having no clue how to be sexy. Remember: I was 12 – 13 years old. Then, one day, it hit me like lightning: I needed to loose weight. Yes! That would make people notice me, right? Wrong. I mean, I was getting so skinny, so sick, that people were noticing me; but in the wrong way.

Time passed by and at some point I couldn’t give two shits about that boy who I used to like so much. He became nothing to me; but my disease stayed — forever.

When I got a little bit older, I started applying to model agencies; and they all said no to me. The excuse was always the same: “you’re very pretty, but we need smaller girls.” When you hear someone saying that, you feel like a huge mammoth; and your self-esteem hides in the deepest, darkest  corner of you soul.

So what did I do? I went fully anorexic. I’d feel guilty even for eating one banana a day. They got what they wanted: a smaller girl who looked great in their clothes. And there I was, working as a model, and basically dying.

I don’t want ANY of that to happen to you. Women are beautiful, sexy, charismatic, they have beautiful curves, and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid piece of shit.

That’s why I invite ALL of you to be my models! I’ll be more than happy to photograph such beauty: regardless of age, weight, height, type of hair, body type, etc.

Remember: you are ALL beautiful! You don’t need someone else telling you you can’t be a  model — because you CAN. You can fill your houses, instagrams, facebook profiles, etc with amazing pictures — and feel as pretty as those girls you see online.

I’m here to help you find your way back to beauty. 

It will be a pleasure working with you!

Painful heart

This is for you who thinks you’re not worth it — but you are. Here’s to all of your blank nights, blank days and blank souls. Cheers! Let’s drink to all your sadness. All your lonely days, and your lonely nights. Let’s drink to all your misery; let’s drink to all our misery — all at once, all at the same time. Every time you think you’re alone, you’re not. I’m here with you, we’re here with you. Embrace the sadness, embrace the dark. There’s no light, there’s no happy ending. It’s just you and me; it’s just you and the rest of the world. Everybody is sad, there’s always something missing. Happiness is just around the corner, but you keep reminding me of what sadness feels like.

Skydiving

I feel my heart bursting; it’s beautiful, intense and painful at the same time. Past, present and future — together, apart, all mixed up. Where have I seen these promises and dreams before? I know where my fears hide; I know every disguise, every dark corner of my broken mind. I’m scared, I’m thrilled and I’m everything in between; it’s all or nothing — a deep, silent ocean and the wind caressing the trees, or a beautiful and loud thunderstorm ripping the skies apart. Amidst all the chaos, I found a way back to myself: a path I’ve never thought I’d be able to choose, but I did. And it’s so beautiful, so perfectly right and good for me that it makes me shiver, it makes me wanna lose control. It makes me wanna jump and take a leap of faith — but what if I fall straight to the ground again? See, it’s too late, because I’m already falling. I’m in the air, my arms are wide open and so is my heart. I’m skydiving. I’m skydiving with you.

That’s for you, you and you

One, two, three different versions of me. They were all beautiful and they are all gone, done. The dead among the living, the dreams turned into shadows.

You.

I miss being myself around you. I miss the jokes, the laughs. I miss the free version of me. I miss not having to control myself, and I miss listening to your words like music. One. You broke my heart.

You.

I miss the butterflies in my stomach, I miss how you made me feel alive. In the Valley of Broken Minds you were my favourite creature, the only one who could show me light. “I wish you were here.” Two. There’s only darkness again.

You.

I miss the hope, the possibilities. A new beginning that was dead from the start. Truth is, I never even wanted to want; I just wanted to be wanted. Three. I am alone and that’s just fine.

One, two, three versions of me walking around.

One, two, three versions of me dying a little as the days go by.