A world full of “no, you don’t have what it takes to be a model”

I remember when I was a teenager, I liked a boy at school — I liked him a lot. We were always together, basically talking about the cute girls in school — he obviously didn’t consider me one of them (sometimes I wonder if he even saw me as a girl). The “cute girls” where the skinny ones, the ones who wore super short skirts and knew how to flirt. And then there was me: chubby, still playing with my toys and having no clue how to be sexy. Remember: I was 12 – 13 years old. Then, one day, it hit me like lightning: I needed to loose weight. Yes! That would make people notice me, right? Wrong. I mean, I was getting so skinny, so sick, that people were noticing me; but in the wrong way.

Time passed by and at some point I couldn’t give two shits about that boy who I used to like so much. He became nothing to me; but my disease stayed — forever.

When I got a little bit older, I started applying to model agencies; and they all said no to me. The excuse was always the same: “you’re very pretty, but we need smaller girls.” When you hear someone saying that, you feel like a huge mammoth; and your self-esteem hides in the deepest, darkest  corner of you soul.

So what did I do? I went fully anorexic. I’d feel guilty even for eating one banana a day. They got what they wanted: a smaller girl who looked great in their clothes. And there I was, working as a model, and basically dying.

I don’t want ANY of that to happen to you. Women are beautiful, sexy, charismatic, they have beautiful curves, and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid piece of shit.

That’s why I invite ALL of you to be my models! I’ll be more than happy to photograph such beauty: regardless of age, weight, height, type of hair, body type, etc.

Remember: you are ALL beautiful! You don’t need someone else telling you you can’t be a  model — because you CAN. You can fill your houses, instagrams, facebook profiles, etc with amazing pictures — and feel as pretty as those girls you see online.

I’m here to help you find your way back to beauty. 

It will be a pleasure working with you!

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A printer out of ink

I don’t own myself anymore. No one can see it, but I have chains all over my body; it’s no longer mine. I’m looking everywhere, searching on every corner, but I can’t find it — I’m lost. Lost. They got inside and stole everything: my tenacity, my freedom, my heart; even my (in)sanity. Now it’s empty, it’s all gone. Each and every part of me belongs to someone else — someone else but me. I became a broken machine, like a printer out of ink. Yes, a printer out of ink. They used me to print their papers, without any appreciation, and now there’s no more ink. I can’t print anything anymore. What saddens me the most is that I printed all their papers, but none of mine — mine are all blank. I wished someone would say, “it’s not broken, it’s just out of ink,” but I guess it’s easier to say I’m broken. Well, maybe I am. Maybe it’s impossible to fix me after so much damage. I can’t function anymore.

Painful heart

This is for you who thinks you’re not worth it — but you are. Here’s to all of your blank nights, blank days and blank souls. Cheers! Let’s drink to all your sadness. All your lonely days, and your lonely nights. Let’s drink to all your misery; let’s drink to all our misery — all at once, all at the same time. Every time you think you’re alone, you’re not. I’m here with you, we’re here with you. Embrace the sadness, embrace the dark. There’s no light, there’s no happy ending. It’s just you and me; it’s just you and the rest of the world. Everybody is sad, there’s always something missing. Happiness is just around the corner, but you keep reminding me of what sadness feels like.

New challenges

“Life is monotonous and every day seems to be the same? Buy our 10 Steps To Happiness Manual and learn how to pull through!” I don’t know what’s more depressive; depression itself or people who think this kind of bullshit works — as if a book could actually teach one how to be happy. Unfortunately, people will always believe what they want to believe. Maybe I’m just too skeptical. What I know is no one can teach you how to be happy — no one else but yourself. At least that’s what I’d like to believe. People around you can bring joy to your days but you’re the only person who should be responsible for your own happiness. What I mean by that is never, ever rely on anyone else to be happy. If this 10 steps crap was real, I’d guess the first step would be to like and accept the person you are. Try to see yourself for what you really are and analyze the kind of person you’ve become. “What if I don’t like it?”, you may ask yourself. Well, there’s a line from a show I really love that has the perfect answer for that question. “If you can’t forgive the person you’ve become, then you can try and change who you are.” That’s it. Something to think about, huh? I’ve spent the whole day thinking about that and I’ve decided to make some changes. (Positive ones, hopefully.) Challenges. Yes, challenges! Challenge yourself to do things you know you probably wouldn’t — whatever it may be. Things will never change if we don’t change our own actions.

Decisions, decisions

Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to make decisions all the time, right? Unfortunately, we can’t. According to studies, “a typical adult makes 27 judgments a day and 773,618 decisions over a lifetime”. Some are easy to make, others seem to be impossible — but they’re not. When you decide on something and have the will to carry on with your choice, life gets a lot easier. No matter how hard it was to decide. How many times have you thought there was no way out? When you fully accept your decisions, your choices and move on with your life, you will see there is no coming back to the dark place you were before. Of course we make a good amount of bad decisions — everyone does. That’s when life gives us the famous “second chance”, so we can learn from our mistakes and make better decisions for the future. Don’t blame yourself too much for the bad things you’ve done — these are the things that will teach you the most. Also, try to respect other people’s decisions, it’s their lives they are trying to rebuild.