How lonely it is to have a mental illness

It’s been forever since I last posted on my blog, but today I had the urge to share a few things with the world — so here I am, again.

For those of you who don’t know me yet, I have an eating disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which is absolutely no fun. It’s hard for me and for everyone around me, and I completely understand that. It’s even harder for people who don’t suffer from a mental illness to understand certain things, and I also get that.

When I say it’s lonely to have a mental illness, is because most people don’t understand the disease; or they think they do and get anxious to see you get better as fast as possible — which is impossible. When you’re physically ill, you take the medication needed to get better, and you do. But when you’re mentally ill, things are not that easy — or that fast. It’s important to seek help and get the right treatment, but that needs to be done at our own pace. I believe that’s the biggest problem when dealing with someone who has a mental illness: wanting them to get better fast, and getting anxious when they don’t.

Unfortunately, that’s how mental illnesses are. It takes time, it takes a lot of therapy and a lot of mental work in order to change the cognitive distortions happening in our brains. Every little step forward is a victory. People getting treatment can see that very clearly, whereas people seeing things from the outside, don’t. I’m writing all this because recently I’ve heard from people who I truly love that I’m not trying hard enough, and it felt like a punch on my stomach. It instantly invalidated all my efforts, and it almost took away my will to continue the treatment.

Is it easy for them? Of course not, and I know that. I understand how frustrated everyone gets when I fail, or when I take a huge step back. I understand how exhausted they are, and I wish I could get better over night just so they wouldn’t have to feel this way — but I can’t. I’m actually trying really hard here, but I don’t think many people acknowledge that. That’s usually when most people choose to leave — and some of them have. It hurts like hell to be ignored by loved ones, especially when you suffer from BPD.

There’s a very good article that explains all the symptoms of BPD, and the first one is the fear of abandonment. I can’t even start to explain how empty I feel now that my fear of losing loved ones became true. All my head keeps telling me is that it’s all my fault, that I’ve pushed them away. Maybe it’s true, and maybe leaving me behind was the best decision for them. It doesn’t stop me from feeling worthless, though.

Other symptoms of BPD can easily be misunderstood, like for example impulsive, self-destructive behaviours. Drinking, binge eating, gambling etc, can easily be seen as anything else, but not as a symptom of BPD. I know that, because I’ve been told I’m something I’m really not, just because of one of these behaviours caused by my BPD. But how can I say otherwise? The more you say you don’t have a specific problem, the more people will believe you do.

This is all very exhausting. Not only for me, but for everyone who I still have in my life. So I encourage you to read the article I linked to this post, and please understand I’m not choosing to do certain things. Even though it’s hard for you to believe, I AM doing everything I can to get better.

If you’re going through the same thing, share this post with your family and friends. And please, feel free to leave a comment if you think it’s necessary.

I wish you all the best.

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A world full of “no, you don’t have what it takes to be a model”

I remember when I was a teenager, I liked a boy at school — I liked him a lot. We were always together, basically talking about the cute girls in school — he obviously didn’t consider me one of them (sometimes I wonder if he even saw me as a girl). The “cute girls” where the skinny ones, the ones who wore super short skirts and knew how to flirt. And then there was me: chubby, still playing with my toys and having no clue how to be sexy. Remember: I was 12 – 13 years old. Then, one day, it hit me like lightning: I needed to loose weight. Yes! That would make people notice me, right? Wrong. I mean, I was getting so skinny, so sick, that people were noticing me; but in the wrong way.

Time passed by and at some point I couldn’t give two shits about that boy who I used to like so much. He became nothing to me; but my disease stayed — forever.

When I got a little bit older, I started applying to model agencies; and they all said no to me. The excuse was always the same: “you’re very pretty, but we need smaller girls.” When you hear someone saying that, you feel like a huge mammoth; and your self-esteem hides in the deepest, darkest  corner of you soul.

So what did I do? I went fully anorexic. I’d feel guilty even for eating one banana a day. They got what they wanted: a smaller girl who looked great in their clothes. And there I was, working as a model, and basically dying.

I don’t want ANY of that to happen to you. Women are beautiful, sexy, charismatic, they have beautiful curves, and anyone who says otherwise is a stupid piece of shit.

That’s why I invite ALL of you to be my models! I’ll be more than happy to photograph such beauty: regardless of age, weight, height, type of hair, body type, etc.

Remember: you are ALL beautiful! You don’t need someone else telling you you can’t be a  model — because you CAN. You can fill your houses, instagrams, facebook profiles, etc with amazing pictures — and feel as pretty as those girls you see online.

I’m here to help you find your way back to beauty. 

It will be a pleasure working with you!

A printer out of ink

I don’t own myself anymore. No one can see it, but I have chains all over my body; it’s no longer mine. I’m looking everywhere, searching on every corner, but I can’t find it — I’m lost. Lost. They got inside and stole everything: my tenacity, my freedom, my heart; even my (in)sanity. Now it’s empty, it’s all gone. Each and every part of me belongs to someone else — someone else but me. I became a broken machine, like a printer out of ink. Yes, a printer out of ink. They used me to print their papers, without any appreciation, and now there’s no more ink. I can’t print anything anymore. What saddens me the most is that I printed all their papers, but none of mine — mine are all blank. I wished someone would say, “it’s not broken, it’s just out of ink,” but I guess it’s easier to say I’m broken. Well, maybe I am. Maybe it’s impossible to fix me after so much damage. I can’t function anymore.

Painful heart

This is for you who thinks you’re not worth it — but you are. Here’s to all of your blank nights, blank days and blank souls. Cheers! Let’s drink to all your sadness. All your lonely days, and your lonely nights. Let’s drink to all your misery; let’s drink to all our misery — all at once, all at the same time. Every time you think you’re alone, you’re not. I’m here with you, we’re here with you. Embrace the sadness, embrace the dark. There’s no light, there’s no happy ending. It’s just you and me; it’s just you and the rest of the world. Everybody is sad, there’s always something missing. Happiness is just around the corner, but you keep reminding me of what sadness feels like.

New challenges

“Life is monotonous and every day seems to be the same? Buy our 10 Steps To Happiness Manual and learn how to pull through!” I don’t know what’s more depressive; depression itself or people who think this kind of bullshit works — as if a book could actually teach one how to be happy. Unfortunately, people will always believe what they want to believe. Maybe I’m just too skeptical. What I know is no one can teach you how to be happy — no one else but yourself. At least that’s what I’d like to believe. People around you can bring joy to your days but you’re the only person who should be responsible for your own happiness. What I mean by that is never, ever rely on anyone else to be happy. If this 10 steps crap was real, I’d guess the first step would be to like and accept the person you are. Try to see yourself for what you really are and analyze the kind of person you’ve become. “What if I don’t like it?”, you may ask yourself. Well, there’s a line from a show I really love that has the perfect answer for that question. “If you can’t forgive the person you’ve become, then you can try and change who you are.” That’s it. Something to think about, huh? I’ve spent the whole day thinking about that and I’ve decided to make some changes. (Positive ones, hopefully.) Challenges. Yes, challenges! Challenge yourself to do things you know you probably wouldn’t — whatever it may be. Things will never change if we don’t change our own actions.

Decisions, decisions

Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to make decisions all the time, right? Unfortunately, we can’t. According to studies, “a typical adult makes 27 judgments a day and 773,618 decisions over a lifetime”. Some are easy to make, others seem to be impossible — but they’re not. When you decide on something and have the will to carry on with your choice, life gets a lot easier. No matter how hard it was to decide. How many times have you thought there was no way out? When you fully accept your decisions, your choices and move on with your life, you will see there is no coming back to the dark place you were before. Of course we make a good amount of bad decisions — everyone does. That’s when life gives us the famous “second chance”, so we can learn from our mistakes and make better decisions for the future. Don’t blame yourself too much for the bad things you’ve done — these are the things that will teach you the most. Also, try to respect other people’s decisions, it’s their lives they are trying to rebuild.